A Million Little 'Peaces'

A Million Little Pieces

"The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces."

~James Frey

I'm praying for you. I hope you've finally found peace.
RIP Uncle.

Double Chocolate Chocolate Pancakes

So I'm making pancakes yesterday, a new kind, some all natural, Double Chocolate Chocolate or something...

As I'm pouring the first one onto the pan, I hear my almost 7 year old dancing around the living room and singing, "Ohhhh, chocolate pancakes, I'm having chocolate chocolate pancakes pancakes, I love pancakes, oh yeahhhh..." and wraps it up with a sincere and very enthusiastic, "Pancakes ROCK!!!"

I smile to myself, happy that I can make the kid this jubilant about something, ANYTHING ... because Mommy is usually the adversary because, well, just because it's *Mommy* ... and Daddy's usually the ALLY. :: insert eye roll here ::

It's in that unfortunate moment that I realize the consistancy isn't right, but I figure that has to do with the fact that it's all natural or something. I flip it and notice that the "skin" is REALLY tough, like tougher than it's supposed to get.

Long story short, I realize that I completely fucked up the mixture, having mixed in the wrong amount of eggs and milk ... and of course, I have no more Double Chocolate Chocolate pancake mix.

So I do what any normal mom and wife would do ... I call my husband over to come taste it. And he, playing X-box, pretends not to hear me and doesn't come. :: sigh ::

I taste a little piece of it and frankly, it tastes like shit. Now comes the hard part - I have to inform my previously jubilant child that there will be no Double Chocolate Chocolate pancakes for lunch today.

I call her over and show her the mix and explain that I didn't do the math correctly and added the wrong amount of eggs and milk ... and the pancakes are un-eatable.

She took it really well, so I said jokingly, "Well, I can't do *everything* right, ya know!"

And my daughter, not yet 7, standing on a stool beside me, puts her arms around me, rests her head on my chest, looks up and me and says, "You do this right."

I can't help but cry ... tears stream down my face as I hug her back and tell her that that is the sweetest thing she's ever said to me. I thank her and tell her I love her. When she's had enough mush, she smiles and goes inside to where her dad is sitting.

As I wipe my tears and start washing the pan, I hear him laughing hysterically. This child, upon hearing the sniffles, said to her dad, "Oh, great ... Now she's washing the pan with her tears."

:: sigh ::

Gotta love this age!

Endless

I give myself one last look in the mirror. Did I wear the right thing? Do I look alright? This is a first impression, don't fuck it up, Delilah. I chose a v-neck dark grey shirt and simple black dress pants. I even wore my low heeled boots so that I wouldn't risk tripping, falling, and embarrassing the hell out of myself.

As I head up the block, I see you standing outside the place we planned to meet. All I can think is, calm down, nothing to be nervous about ... don't trip, Delilah, please don't trip ...

You don't see me yet, you're leaning casually on the wall, smoking a cigarette. I get closer, and you turn your head towards me. He's fucking adorable, I whisper out loud to myself. You take a drag as you spot me and smile. My stomach flutters at that smile ...

"Hey there, Delilah," you say as I reach you, and I roll my eyes and smile.

"Hey there, Jimmy," I say. "Good to see you, handsome."

We move in for what becomes an awkward hug, neither of us really knowing how to greet the other. We part quickly and in an attempt to kiss hello on the cheek, both of us end of kissing the air next to the others ear.

I'm visibly nervous, and seeing that, you say, "You look great. Want to get a drink?"

I exhale, not aware that I'd been holding my breath and say, "Yes ... or three."

We walk into the bar, a place I'd never been, and we grab a small table in a dimly lit corner. We order a couple of beers and you smile.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see that you drink beer..." you say, jokingly.

Giggling, I ask, "What, did you really see me as the fruity little drink kinda girl?"

"No, no ... not at all," you answer with a big smile.

Over a few more beers, we make small talk about the place, about our day, and as we're laughing, I realize that I'm feeling much more at ease ... I'm not drunk but relaxed, and it's coming naturally now. I'm more thankful for alcohol than I've ever been before.

At one point, I'm trying to explain and sort of diagram something on the table with my fingers and the salt and peppers shakers, and while I'm in the middle of it, you put your hands on mine. I stop talking to look up at you, and you're smiling. I smile back as my stomach flutters again and I can feel any tension that remains slip out of my hands, as if you were gently guiding it out of my fingertips and into the table, where it belonged.

"Delilah ..."

"Jimmy?"

"I'm really glad we're here ... with you ... together. I'm glad I'm here with you and we're together."

I smile and where I'd normally out of habit cover my smile with my hand, I consciously realize that if I take my hand off the table that you won't be touching me anymore. I decide against this and instead tilt my head down, trying to cover the smile that's already been seen.

"See," you say, "I told you, I'm a bumbling idiot around cute girls."

"Jimmy, there's nothing bumbling about you right now. Do you feel like taking a walk, I'm getting really warm in here and I don't know, I'm just a little ..."

You cut me off, "Yes, that sounds good."

We finish our drinks and leave, and stepping out into the cool autumn air is refreshing. We take a few steps and as we're walking, our hands bump. You take my hand in yours and I smile.

"Feels nice...", I say, and you just nod in agreement.

We talk and laugh ... and I realize how slowly we're walking. Walking through the city at night with you, hand in hand ... is absolutely exhilerating, and I'm loving every second of it.

"Look at how slow we're walking ..." I say.

"I think," you say carefully, "...it's because we don't want this night to end."

"Ya know!" I exclaim. "I was thinking the same thing!"

We laugh and eventually find our way to a stone sitting wall, and I say, "OK, cigarette break?"

We sit down next to each other, each lighting a cigarette, and you scoot over a little closer to me. You reach over and take my hand, resting them on my thigh.

"Don't you be getting any ideas, Jimmy. Remember, I'm saving it for marriage," I say flirtingly.

We laugh and hold each others hand a little tighter. I'm looking up at the buildings across the street when I notice you looking at me. I turn my face towards you and smile.

"Delilah... Your face, the way you look around at everything and take it all in. Delilah ... I think you're beautiful."

I smile and maintain eye contact with you ... "Stoppit, you're making me blush ... I just like to SEE things, ya know? I like to see it all ..."

Your face moves a little closer to mine and I say, "... appreciate it all, ya know ..."

Your face comes closer ... and I remind myself to breathe...

"Live every minute..." I say.

Closer still ... breathe Delilah ...

"Never let a moment ... pass you by..." I whisper.

Your face is almost touching mine now, and I close my eyes.

I feel you kiss me, your lips on mine ... and my body goes wild. I don't remember where I am, who I am ... My mind races and my heart flutters and my stomach flips. I'm experiencing excitement and sedation all at once and I feel as if I could explode or implode or something.

The only thing I'm sure of, as I feel your lips pressed on mine ... is that I don't ever want this kiss to end ... I want it to be Endless.

10 Years After

Think about where you were 10 years ago.

Mentally, what kind of place were you in then?

I started contemplating where I'd be now if my life had continued in the same wrong direction it was heading 10 years ago. It's really something to think about.

You get to a point in your life when you're faced with a decision, however buried and unrecognized it might be. You may not consciously realize you're faced with it, but there it is, nonetheless, in front of you, and you're forced to make a decision and to be indecisive no more.

I realize now how deeply thankful I am that I took the path I did, though I don't know how or why I did it. Did I catch a brief glimpse of how my so-called life might be in the years to come?

Possibly, in a dream that I didn't and still don't remember.

Had I stayed on that path, the one that I so painstakingly erected to be my destined future - I'd be a completely different person with a completely different life. Maybe I would no longer have a life, maybe I would've taken it years ago not wanting to sustain anymore of the hell I subjected myself to.

Or maybe I'd be like the walking dead, with my soul dried up and isolated inside, but smiling like everything was OK on the outside...and living my so-called "life".

But I'm not isolated.

My soul is not dried up.

I'm not the walking dead.

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I---I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." ~Robert Frost

It's made all the fucking difference.

'A Million Little Pieces', the book

I finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.

What an awesome book.

The author is perfection as he carries you through his gut wrenching ordeal of getting and staying clean.

I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with or has dealt with an Alcoholic or Addict in their lives.

Excellent. Read it.

ETA at a later date:
True or fabricated, it was still a great book.

Yeah...I'm Glowing

I'm carrying my husband and the love of my life's second child. It's been a long time since I was "with child", so in certain ways it's like going through it for the first time. In others, I feel like an old pro, like I could do it now with my eyes closed.

5 long years we waited for this, and what a blessing. Pretty much as soon as we were certain it was time, BOOM, the Fertility Fairy dropped a load of Fertility Dust on us (so to speak).

I had my share of epiphanies about life when I found out I was pregnant with my first. It having been 2 weeks after the deaths of both my grandmas, it was like God smacked me in the face and said, HEY! Life goes on! No time for wallowing here.

But it's different now.

Here I am, with a beautiful man as my husband of 5 years and a marriage (Thank God) as strong as I could ever imagine. We have together an incredible little girl, and although she looks a lot like Dadda, she's got her Mama's sass and tough ass attitude. I have an unbelievably supportive circle of family and close friends, there through the thick of it all, and still there when I'm a raving lunatic.

My parents have been more supportive than any others that I know, even when it's not in that conventional sorta way. My friends, my REAL friends, have been there in the ways that mattered the most at any given time. You (hopefully) know who you are.

How do I say thank you to a husband and best friend that is my strength, a man who stands up for what he believes in and doesn't let anyone change his mind, a man who will fight against what he believes to be unjust, no matter what the case or who it be against, a man who is just simply f*cking fantastic?

I love you. Thank you for sharing the same dream with me for our daughter, to have it better than we did in a lot of ways.

In Pre-K Forever

My Dear Baby Girl,

Tonight, as you were going to sleep, you told me that you don't ever want to be a teenager…that you want to stay in Pre-K forever…that you don't ever want to be a grown-up and that you want to be a kid forever.

I explained to you that many kids want to stay kids forever, but as you grow up, you see how exciting life is and how you can't wait to get to "the next step". For this reason, you should enjoy every day and thank God for the chance to live it.

That's what I said on the outside.

On the inside, I was thinking how much I sympathize with you. I was thinking about how badly I wanted to be kid again sometimes…how lovely it is that your biggest problem is that you can’t get a new toy today or that it‘s raining out so you can‘t ride your bike, but that these things seem, at the very least, earth shattering.

I wanted to tell you how cruel school aged children can be…how you should treat everyone kindly and hope for kindness back in return. I wanted to tell you how, though it may seem this way at one point, that the world really will not crumble because the boy you like isn't very nice to you, or because you have too much homework to go out and play.

I wanted to tell you how big the transition from grade school to high school is, to tell you that it will blow your mind how big the world really is when you go from 8th grade to 9th.

I wanted to tell you how hard being a teenager really is sometimes…how lonely a place it can be.

I wanted to explain to you that you should always be yourself, not a second-rate version of someone else, and that you should never do anything just to make someone or some people like you or just to be considered popular.

I wanted to tell you how gossip and heartache run rampant in high school…and I wanted to promise you that you can get it through it, no matter how impossible it seems at the time.

I also wanted to tell you not to fall in love too easily or not to fall in what you think is love, anyway. Don't rush things, you've got plenty of time for boys and relationships and love. Have fun, but be careful. And don’t ever settle because you think you don’t deserve better.

I wanted to tell you that there are mean people in the world and though you can't always see them right away, trust your gut. It will guide you in the right direction.

Finally and most importantly, I wanted to tell you how wonderful it is growing up and being a part of your life as the days go by. Don't just watch, participate. Get in there, and get your hands dirty. You won't regret the things you did as much as the things you didn't.

Then I remembered you’re 4 and couldn‘t grasp all of this. So, I kissed you good night, told you how much I loved you and what a wonderful little kid you are.

And I told you to please believe me…when the time comes and you're all grown-up, fall in love, maybe get married, and have children…you will be so glad you didn't stay in Pre-K forever.