Anything-But-Simple

The Calm

2010-10-30T14:05:00.001-04:00

The calm.
It comes after the rage.
During the rage, I am in my darkest place.
Despair reaches in and grabs ahold of my heart, of everything I hold dear.

Rip it out.
I want it ripped out.
I cry out loud, gasping, choking, trying desperately to rip it the fuck out.
I can't breathe, but I do.
The breath comes, again and again.

Until the calm.

My tears cease.
My breathing slows.

It all falls into place,
and it's all still there,
Different, yet still the same.

Underneath the calm.

“It is the calm and silent water that drowns a man.”
~African Proverb

Keep Floating

2010-10-07T13:24:00.002-04:00

Last night, I dreamed I was standing on a dock. My dad was standing next to me. On the side of the dock, right in front of me was a little model boathouse. It was blue with lots of windows, and it was on a stick, so you could spin it around to see inside. Below it was a plaque with information about it; when it was built, who had lived there, what had happened to them. I kept trying to read it but couldn't understand what it said. I wondered where the actual boathouse was, and my dad, not saying anything, pointed out to the right into the water. I saw the boathouse, blue with lots of windows, just like the model on a stick.

Just then, I looked down and saw that the water was up to my feet on the dock, and told my dad, "I feel nauseous."

Still not speaking, he turned and motioned for me to head back to land. As I walked along the dock, the water got deeper and deeper, but I was kind of walking on it. It was as if my fear of going under was keeping me afloat. As I was about to take the last step on the dock before land with my right foot, I saw how deep it was and that my foot should have been completely immersed...but it wasn't. I stayed on top of it, and then with my left foot, hopped onto dry land. That's when I woke up.

“They float upon the surface of the darkness in which I'm drowning.” ~Anne Rice

i

2010-08-29T19:38:00.004-04:00

I had what some might call a dysfunctional childhood. I showed symptoms of depression, anxiety, and OCD as a child, which was unheard of in children back then, so it went unnoticed. I was painfully shy. I wanted to be a teacher. I wished I had a little sister. I liked to sing. I started writing stories in the second grade. I had a pen-pal. I went to public and catholic schools. I made friends. I lost friends. I had a crush on a boy with glasses. I was on the honor roll. I had braces. I learned how to not be so shy. I wanted to be a psychologist. I realized how much I really loved writing when I was 12 years old.

I started high school with stars in my eyes and dreams in my heart. I made friends. I met a boy, and I allowed him to crush my spirit for a long time. I turned 16. I passed tests. I failed tests. I went to summer school. I learned a lot about relationships, what they should and shouldn’t be. I was told horrible things that I believed about myself. I lost friends. I took abuse that wreaked havoc on my soul. I became severely depressed. I was falling. I graduated high school with the certainty that something had to give.

I ended an abusive relationship. I went to college. I made friends. I put up walls. I partied. A lot. I failed out of school. I went to a lot of bars. I dated a lot of boys. I was raped. I began to sink deeper into depression than ever before. I put on one hell of a façade. I hit rock bottom. I wanted to kill myself and sometimes even thought about how to do it. I hated myself, what I’d become, what I’d allowed myself to become. I tried to get through one more day. I got through another day and then another. I did it one day at a time. That was all I could do.

I decided to get through it. I began to find happiness. I started to see things more clearly with a level head. I decided to reclaim my dreams. I held my chin up. I told myself I deserved to be happy, even if I didn’t fully believe it. I told myself I would make it.

I met a man. I got to know him; he was laid back and carefree, giving and loving. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him. I opened my heart. I fell in love with him, and he with me. I saw and felt him give me the love I once believed I deserved.

I married a beautiful man. I had beautiful children. I turned 30. I have friends, old and new, and a family who love me for who I am…because of who I am.

I am a mother. I am a wife. I’m a daughter, I’m a friend. But most importantly, I am a woman, and I’m beautiful inside, all on my own.

My past does not define me, nor do my imperfections. I do.

25 Random Things About Me

2010-08-28T19:01:00.000-04:00

1. My family is the most important thing to me. Having a good marriage and raising my children in a happy environment is something I strive for.

2. I have OCD. I was diagnosed at 17 but showed symptoms since childhood. Unfortunately, it doesn't manifest itself in my house being super organized or ultra clean (like I sometimes wish it would!), but my day is filled with compulsions, varying from minor to major.

3. I love flowers. Calla Lillies and Daisies are my favorites, but I also love the look of a single rose. I do not, however, like having real flowers. They die, and it makes me sad when they do.

4. Usually, when I'm quiet is when I have the most to say. When my heart or my head are too full with emotions and/or thoughts, I can’t always form the right words. Sometimes, I just don't want to.

5. I love to write but have a fear of people reading my words. I've been told that I don't need to conquer my fear, but instead write in spite of it. It’s something I’ve always done. Journals, scraps of papers stuffed in folders, endless documents on the computer. I don’t know how to not write.

6. I wholeheartedly believe that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't or can't understand why at the time. There's a reason for everything that happens, everything decision we make, and every person who comes into and sometimes goes out of our lives. It all serves a purpose.

7. I overanalyze... I can be obsessive about little things - I think too much sometimes about things that really shouldn't matter.

8. 28 was my "Big 3-0", and it hit me hard. I spent some time figuring out who I really was that year. So, to 30 I said, Bring it.

9. I don't like it when people use the word hate loosely. Hate is an extremely strong emotion, and I think it should be reserved for when you are truly and passionately displeased with something or someone.

10. I really don’t like when people use the phrase, “I’m so depressed” loosely. To me, it's kind of like saying, "Oh, I had The Depression for a couple of days last week." Yeah...alright.

11. I can keep a secret. People can tell me something in confidence, and I will not share it with anyone else. You’d be shocked at the shit I knew. ::wink::

12. I'm able to read people surprisingly well. I didn't say judge, I said read. I can spend an hour with someone and know fairly well what's really going on, if they're genuine or full of shit. JM has seen me do this a million times, and occasionally, I even surprise myself.

13. I don't trust easily. I'm not someone who trusts until they’re deceived. I don't trust until I have a reason to. Right or wrong, whatever - it's how I'm wired.

14. Random smells take me back to another time in my life and kick up old feelings, whether good or bad. Suave hairpray, peach oil from The Body Shop, pipe tobacco, mothballs, and hospitals are just a few.

15. I'm not really a religious person but rather spiritual. I believe in God and pray daily.

16. I share my deepest, darkest secrets and fears only with my husband - and he loves me just the same. He's seen everything, and he's still here. Unconditional love is the best love.

17. I strive every day to be a better mother. Some nights, I lay in bed thinking about what I could have done differently, what I could have done better.

18. My dad is one of my best friends. He’s always been there for me, always supported me, and always listened to me. I was never a typical Daddy’s Little Girl, but I love the relationship we’ve developed over the years.

19. In Senior year, I took a Drama class and loved it. A picture of me and my group was in the newsletter for The Roundabout Theater - I was dressed in overalls and ponytails. I wanted to take acting courses in college and outside of school.

20. I always wanted to have at least 3 children. If I hadn't gotten Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome with my last daughter, I would have definitely had more.

21. I started wearing glasses when I was 8 years old. They were red with black polka dots. I loved them and their red case.

22. I collect quotes and lyrics. It’s something I’ve done since I was a kid, and I just never stopped.

23. I love to make people laugh. It gives me a rush to hear people laughing, and to know that I did that…it makes my heart smile.

24. I wanted to be a teacher until I was in 7th or 8th grade. Then I decided I wanted to be a psychologist. And being a mother, I'm a little bit of both. ;)

25. I may be a lot of things, but I'm anything but simple. There's an awful lot going on inside of my head and my heart, sometimes more than I know how to handle. But I try to take it one day at a time, that's all I can do. :)

My Own Shades of Grey

2010-06-06T19:38:00.004-04:00

He wanted to marry me. He loved me. He was handsome. Sweet, caring, and heartbreakingly kind.

I was cruel.

I wanted to love him, wanted to care about him the way he cared for me, but it wasn't there. It just wasn't there.

I wanted someone else. Someone who made me smile, made my insides laugh...someone who made my heart jump when he touched my hand. Someone who'd made me feel what I'd never felt before.

While he was driving to visit me, driving 16 hours to spend a week with me...the someone I wanted broke up with his girlfriend. Panic riddled my body. Now was my chance. I had to risk everything for a chance to be with him.

So I did.

Knowing what I had to do but not quite knowing how to do it, I took the easy way out..I lied. I was going to hurt him, no matter what I did, no matter what I said. And I chose to take the easy way out. It couldn't hurt him as much as the truth, I thought. I was young. I didn't know what I was doing, just that it had to be done.

So...I hid in my own Shades of Grey; I told him that I had gotten back together with my longtime boyfriend, that it was all very complicated, and that we were going to get married. He got in his car, driving 16 hours back home, and I never heard from him again.

I started dating that other someone. I fell in love with him, and he with me. We will be married for 10 years this August.

*written for TheSausageFactory.

Revolutionary Road - Major SPOILERS

2009-01-13T14:51:00.002-05:00

Unless a movie really blows me away and I love it, I need to time to think after sitting in a theater for 2 hours. Sometimes, the movie just needs to sink in a little bit before I realize that I actually enjoyed it.

Not this one. I actually tried to give it a little time, thinking maybe I’d like it more given the time to review it in my head … but nope, just wasn’t happening. Waiting outside the theater while JM used the facilities, I smoked and listened to what people exiting the theater thought.

A couple came out, maybe in their 40’s and the woman said, “I liked it! Really good…” and he nodded and smiled at her.

Two girls came out, in their early 20’s, I’d guess, and one said to the other, “Well, if you didn’t like this, don’t bother watching American Beauty.”

Interesting - though they’re both directed by Sam Mendes, it’s apples and oranges and the only thing they have in common is being in the same basket.

We got in the car and JM asked what I thought. “Eh…” was my initial response. Then I did what I usually do after a movie, held an opinionated conversation with myself about it. By the time I got home, I could simply say, “I didn’t like it.”

Know this: as far as “Dramas” go, I like to be moved. I like to have my ass dragged into that film and feel something. I want to get inside their head and know why they’re feeling the way they do. I want to give a damn about what happens to them, I want to be forced to care. It doesn’t have to have a happy ending for this to happen. Life isn’t always this way, and I can enjoy a miserable, depressing love story - as long as it touched upon something inside of me.

RR did nothing of the sort for me. I didn’t give a shit what happened to them at the end. I didn’t care how it turned out, whether they worked out their fucked up relationship or not, if they lived or died.

Everyone keeps talking about the “chemistry” between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, finally being brought back together after all these years to play Frank and April Wheeler. It just didn’t do it for me. The only chemistry I saw was in the fighting scenes, and I think that’s solely because they’re both incredible actors. They brought it full force for the fights, and it made for some pretty intense scenes. Unfortunately, as soon as the fighting ended and the crappy dialogue began, the magic was over. Their conversations seemed forced, unnatural (like Winslet, in particular, was reading from script), rather than a husband and wife having a conversation. Now, I’m well aware of the idea that this is because they were so unhappy and/or not in love. That‘s good, in theory…but it didn’t work well here. It was just not believable.

You were not made to understand, why Frank and April felt so trapped. Yes, they touched on it during one of their intense fights when she mentioned them having moved there because she was pregnant and then having another child to prove the first was not a “mistake”. But there was obviously a lot more going on in April’s head than we were made to understand. I know sometimes you’re supposed to fill in the blanks on your own, but again, it just did not work here.

There were actually a few good points to this film. One was the comic relief Michael Shannon provided. Some say he wasn’t meant to be funny because he was supposedly mentally ill. I question just how “ill” he was, being he was the only one who truly saw through the Wheelers façade. In the face of lies, the truth can be rather comical, I say.

Another good point: Leonardo DiCaprio was intense. He did his job, as far as I’m concerned. He acted his ass off, which in my opinion, he can’t not do. He’s an actor in the true sense of the word, he adapts to whatever role he plays - and you no longer see him but instead the character alone.

To wrap it all up, I didn’t like it. It was boring, there was no arc - no buildup, no significant climax. Even the climax wasn't climactic. It was fairly predictable. The fact that she was going to kill herself (whether intentional or by “accident”, if we can call it that) was obvious to me when she was standing by the neighbor’s tree, smoking and looking down at her own house. The calm she showed, along with the “nice” breakfast the next morning just secured that theory for me. It was a shallow storyline , at best, which I think is because there was way too much story to cram into a two hour movie.

It's Time

2009-01-12T13:00:00.002-05:00

I don't make New Years resolutions. Too much pressure, in my opinion. You want to do something? Don't talk about doing it. Don't promise yourself you'll do it. Just DO IT.

So, I'm doing it. I've been saying for years, "I need to write." And I have been. Not regularly, but when I'm inspired to. Scraps of papers, pages in notebooks, documents on my laptop. Writing is a part of me, it's something I've always done. I don't know how to not write.

What I've heard repeatedly and found to be the most common advice professionals and those aspiring to be will give is this: Write regularly. Write every day for an hour, 2 hours, whatever. Doesn't matter if it doesn't make much sense, doesn't matter what it is. Just. Write.

So ... I'm listening. I figure they must know what they're talking about. I'm putting this blog "out there" to write about my anythings and everythings that I don't really mind people reading. This is a big step for me - huge, actually. I am consiously and willingly posting this website and people may read it ... which the people closest to me know is what scares the ever-loving shit out of me. People reading my words is a scary thing for me. Why, I don't know, it just does.

I will also continue to "write-write" and not put those on here, but HEY - one step at a time, be it ever so small, right?

Pay It Forward

2008-10-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

Quoted from the Dean Koontz book, From the Corner of His Eye.

This Momentous Day

"Each smallest act of kindness reverberates across great distances and spans of time, affecting lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it's passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away. Likewise, each small meanness, each expression of hatred, each act of evil."

2007-12-01T19:22:00.001-05:00

Sober ~ Kelly Clarkson

And I don’t know

This could break my heart or save me

Nothing’s real

Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know

I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right

No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing

Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know

It’s never really over, no
Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here

Three months and I’m getting better yeah

Three months and I still am
Three months and it’s still harder now

Three months I’ve been living here without you now

Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I’m still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

10 Year High School Reunion

2007-11-19T10:08:00.001-05:00

So ... Saturday night was Spellman's 10 year reunion for the class of '97. It was VERY weird, especially pre-beers. Kinda felt time-warped, being back in that cafeteria as a completely different person, all these years later. Hearing all that music from 1997 was a great touch. And it was funny being drunk there, too. I have to say, I had such a great time!

It was really great hanging with the people I've been in touch with but don't get to chill with very much. Hanging out/drinking with Am, Val, Janine, Viv, Jeanine, etc. totally took me back 10 years, and it was a great feeling. Made me miss these girls even more than I already did. Reminiscing about "the old days" and Characters was a blast. And Emmaus XI, still, after all this time, remains dear to my heart.

It was also really nice seeing people I haven't seen or spoken to in the whole 10 years. Everybody looked great and seemed to be doing wonderfully, which made me happy. (Though I lost track of how many, many people came up to me and asked, "Is it weird seeing (insert x-boyfriends name here)?" or "Did you talk to (...and here)?" ... )

The many drunken bathroom conversations I had were ... interesting, to say the least. I learned some things that I needed to hear from people I never thought I needed to hear them from, even after all this time. Closure is a beautiful thing no matter when or how it comes, as long as it does indeed come. And I'll leave it at that.

And ... being there with my husband, Jon-Michael ... was amazing. We had the conversation prior to going about how we never, ever would have thought that at this point WE'D be happily married with kids. It's weird to think that 10 years ago, graduating high school, that there was nothing, not even a friendship between JM and I ... and here we are, 10 years later, with the amazing thing that we have. Mind blowing. I love him, and I couldn't be happier.

Relationships change, and sometimes you have ones you never saw coming. I'm happy to still call my old friends my friends, Jon-Michael my husband, George K my brother-in-law, and I'm so glad that I saw everyone I did. I wish them all the best, and I look forward to seeing everyone again in 5 years.

*Yes, I'm aware the this is public info once posted, so I needn't name names. Under the "drunken bathroom conversations" topic ... there was one story regarding a certain Sweet 16 that I could've gone without hearing ... that story really didn't need to be told, especially in front of so many other girls in the bathroom. It was a shot below the belt as far as I'm concerned, but whatever. I guess there's always one prick in the bunch.

I'm out. :)

A Million Little 'Peaces'

2007-10-22T21:10:00.002-04:00

A Million Little Pieces

"The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces."

~James Frey

I'm praying for you. I hope you've finally found peace.
RIP Uncle.

2007-09-24T11:23:00.000-04:00

So I'm making pancakes yesterday, a new kind, some all natural, Double Chocolate Chocolate or something...

As I'm pouring the first one onto the pan, I hear Hailey dancing around the living room and singing, "Ohhhh, chocolate pancakes, I'm having chocolate chocolate pancakes pancakes, I love pancakes, oh yeahhhh..." and wraps it up with a sincere and very enthusiastic, "Pancakes ROCK!!!"

I smile to myself, happy that I can make the kid this jubilant about something, ANYTHING ... because Mommy is usually the adversary because, well, just because it's *Mommy* ... and Daddy's usually the ALLY. :: insert eye roll here ::

It's in that unfortunate moment that I realize the consistancy isn't right, but I figure that has to do with the fact that it's all natural or something. I flip it and notice that the "skin" is REALLY tough, like tougher than it's supposed to get.

Long story short, I realize that I completely fucked up the mixture, having mixed in the wrong amount of eggs and milk ... and of course, I have no more Double Chocolate Chocolate pancake mix.

So I do what any normal mom and wife would do ... I call JM over to come taste it. And he, playing X-box, pretends not to hear me and doesn't come. :: sigh ::

I taste a little piece of it and frankly, it tastes like shit. Now comes the hard part - I have to inform my previously jubilant child that there will be no Double Chocolate Chocolate pancakes for lunch today.

I call her over and show her the mix and explain that I didn't do the math correctly and added the wrong amount of eggs and milk ... and the pancakes are un-eatable.

She took it really well, so I said jokingly, "Well, I can't do *everything* right, ya know!"

And my Hailey, standing on a stool beside me, puts her arms around me, rests her head on my chest, looks up and me and says, "You do this right."

I can't help but cry ... tears stream down my face as I hug her back and tell her that that is the sweetest thing she's ever said to me. I thank her and tell her I love her. When she's had enough mush, she smiles and goes inside to where JM is sitting.

As I wipe my tears and start washing the pan, I hear JM laughing hysterrically. Hailey, upon hearing the sniffles, said to JM, "Oh, great ... Now she's washing the pan with her tears."

:: sigh ::

Gotta love this age!

Endless

2007-09-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

I give myself one last look in the mirror. Did I wear the right thing? Do I look alright? This is a first impression, don't fuck it up, Delilah. I chose a v-neck dark grey shirt and simple black dress pants. I even wore my low heeled boots so that I wouldn't risk tripping, falling, and embarrassing the hell out of myself.

As I head up the block, I see you standing outside the place we planned to meet. All I can think is, calm down, nothing to be nervous about ... don't trip, Delilah, please don't trip ...

You don't see me yet, you're leaning casually on the wall, smoking a cigarette. I get closer, and you turn your head towards me. He's fucking adorable, I whisper out loud to myself. You take a drag as you spot me and smile. My stomach flutters at that smile ...

"Hey there, Delilah," you say as I reach you, and I roll my eyes and smile.

"Hey there, Jimmy," I say. "Good to see you, handsome."

We move in for what becomes an awkward hug, neither of us really knowing how to greet the other. We part quickly and in an attempt to kiss hello on the cheek, both of us end of kissing the air next to the others ear.

I'm visibly nervous, and seeing that, you say, "You look great. Want to get a drink?"

I exhale, not aware that I'd been holding my breath and say, "Yes ... or three."

We walk into the bar, a place I'd never been, and we grab a small table in a dimly lit corner. We order a couple of beers and you smile.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see that you drink beer..." you say, jokingly.

Giggling, I ask, "What, did you really see me as the fruity little drink kinda girl?"

"No, no ... not at all," you answer with a big smile.

Over a few more beers, we make small talk about the place, about our day, and as we're laughing, I realize that I'm feeling much more at ease ... I'm not drunk but relaxed, and it's coming naturally now. I'm more thankful for alcohol than I've ever been before.

At one point, I'm trying to explain and sort of diagram something on the table with my fingers and the salt and peppers shakers, and while I'm in the middle of it, you put your hands on mine. I stop talking to look up at you, and you're smiling. I smile back as my stomach flutters again and I can feel any tension that remains slip out of my hands, as if you were gently guiding it out of my fingertips and into the table, where it belonged.

"Delilah ..."

"Jimmy?"

"I'm really glad we're here ... with you ... together. I'm glad I'm here with you and we're together."

I smile and where I'd normally out of habit cover my smile with my hand, I consciously realize that if I take my hand off the table that you won't be touching me anymore. I decide against this and instead tilt my head down, trying to cover the smile that's already been seen.

"See," you say, "I told you, I'm a bumbling idiot around cute girls."

"Jimmy, there's nothing bumbling about you right now. Do you feel like taking a walk, I'm getting really warm in here and I don't know, I'm just a little ..."

You cut me off, "Yes, that sounds good."

We finish our drinks and leave, and stepping out into the cool autumn air is refreshing. We take a few steps and as we're walking, our hands bump. You take my hand in yours and I smile.

"Feels nice...", I say, and you just nod in agreement.

We talk and laugh ... and I realize how slowly we're walking. Walking through the city at night with you, hand in hand ... is absolutely exhilerating, and I'm loving every second of it.

"Look at how slow we're walking ..." I say.

"I think," you say carefully, "...it's because we don't want this night to end."

"Ya know!" I exclaim. "I was thinking the same thing!"

We laugh and eventually find our way to a stone sitting wall, and I say, "OK, cigarette break?"

We sit down next to each other, each lighting a cigarette, and you scoot over a little closer to me. You reach over and take my hand, resting them on my thigh.

"Don't you be getting any ideas, Jimmy. Remember, I'm saving it for marriage," I say flirtingly.

We laugh and hold each others hand a little tighter. I'm looking up at the buildings across the street when I notice you looking at me. I turn my face towards you and smile.

"Delilah... Your face, the way you look around at everything and take it all in. Delilah ... I think you're beautiful."

I smile and maintain eye contact with you ... "Stoppit, you're making me blush ... I just like to SEE things, ya know? I like to see it all ..."

Your face moves a little closer to mine and I say, "... appreciate it all, ya know ..."

Your face comes closer ... and I remind myself to breathe...

"Live every minute..." I say.

Closer still ... breathe Delilah ...

"Never let a moment ... pass you by..." I whisper.

Your face is almost touching mine now, and I close my eyes.

I feel you kiss me, your lips on mine ... and my body goes wild. I don't remember where I am, who I am ... My mind races and my heart flutters and my stomach flips. I'm experiencing excitement and sedation all at once and I feel as if I could explode or implode or something.

The only thing I'm sure of, as I feel your lips pressed on mine ... is that I don't ever want this kiss to end ... I want it to be Endless.

10 Years After

2005-11-21T14:41:00.004-05:00

Think about where you were 10 years ago.

Mentally, what kind of place were you in then?

I started contemplating where I'd be now if my life had continued in the same wrong direction it was heading 10 years ago. It's really something to think about.

You get to a point in your life when you're faced with a decision, however buried and unrecognized it might be. You may not consciously realize you're faced with it, but there it is, nonetheless, in front of you, and you're forced to make a decision and to be indecisive no more.

I realize now how deeply thankful I am that I took the path I did, though I don't know how or why I did it. Did I catch a brief glimpse of how my so-called life might be in the years to come?

Possibly, in a dream that I didn't and still don't remember.

Had I stayed on that path, the one that I so painstakingly erected to be my destined future - I'd be a completely different person with a completely different life. Maybe I would no longer have a life, maybe I would've taken it years ago not wanting to sustain anymore of the hell I subjected myself to.

Or maybe I'd be like the walking dead, with my soul dried up and isolated inside, but smiling like everything was OK on the outside...and living my so-called "life".

But I'm not isolated.

My soul is not dried up.

I'm not the walking dead.

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I---I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." ~Robert Frost

It's made all the fucking difference.

'A Million Little Pieces', the book

2005-11-02T10:29:00.000-05:00

I finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.

What an awesome book.

The author is perfection as he carries you through his gut wrenching ordeal of getting and staying clean.

I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with or has dealt with an Alcoholic or Addict in their lives.

Excellent. Read it.

ETA at a later date:
True or fabricated, it was still a great book.

Yeah...I'm Glowing

2005-10-07T12:38:00.000-04:00

I'm carrying my husband and the love of my life's second child. It's been a long time since I was "with child", so in certain ways it's like going through it for the first time. In others, I feel like an old pro, like I could do it now with my eyes closed.

5 long years we waited for this, and what a blessing. Pretty much as soon as we were certain it was time, BOOM, the Fertility Fairy dropped a load of Fertility Dust on us (so to speak).

I had my share of epiphanies about life when I found out I was pregnant with my first. It having been 2 weeks after the deaths of both my grandmas, it was like God smacked me in the face and said, HEY! Life goes on! No time for wallowing here.

But it's different now.

Here I am, with a beautiful man as my husband of 5 years and a marriage (Thank God) as strong as I could ever imagine. We have together an incredible little girl, and although she looks a lot like Dadda, she's got her Mama's sass and tough ass attitude. I have an unbelievably supportive circle of family and close friends, there through the thick of it all, and still there when I'm a raving lunatic.

My parents have been more supportive than any others that I know, even when it's not in that conventional sorta way. My friends, my REAL friends, have been there in the ways that mattered the most at any given time. You (hopefully) know who you are.

How do I say thank you to a husband and best friend that is my strength, a man who stands up for what he believes in and doesn't let anyone change his mind, a man who will fight against what he believes to be unjust, no matter what the case or who it be against, a man who is just simply f*cking fantastic?

I love you. Thank you for sharing the same dream with me for our daughter, to have it better than we did in a lot of ways.

In Pre-K Forever

2004-10-19T01:43:00.002-04:00

My Dear Baby Girl,

Tonight, as you were going to sleep, you told me that you don't ever want to be a teenager…that you want to stay in Pre-K forever…that you don't ever want to be a grown-up and that you want to be a kid forever.

I explained to you that many kids want to stay kids forever, but as you grow up, you see how exciting life is and how you can't wait to get to "the next step". For this reason, you should enjoy every day and thank God for the chance to live it.

That's what I said on the outside.

On the inside, I was thinking how much I sympathize with you. I was thinking about how badly I wanted to be kid again sometimes…how lovely it is that your biggest problem is that you can’t get a new toy today or that it‘s raining out so you can‘t ride your bike, but that these things seem, at the very least, earth shattering.

I wanted to tell you how cruel school aged children can be…how you should treat everyone kindly and hope for kindness back in return. I wanted to tell you how, though it may seem this way at one point, that the world really will not crumble because the boy you like isn't very nice to you, or because you have too much homework to go out and play.

I wanted to tell you how big the transition from grade school to high school is, to tell you that it will blow your mind how big the world really is when you go from 8th grade to 9th.

I wanted to tell you how hard being a teenager really is sometimes…how lonely a place it can be.

I wanted to explain to you that you should always be yourself, not a second-rate version of someone else, and that you should never do anything just to make someone or some people like you or just to be considered popular.

I wanted to tell you how gossip and heartache run rampant in high school…and I wanted to promise you that you can get it through it, no matter how impossible it seems at the time.

I also wanted to tell you not to fall in love too easily or not to fall in what you think is love, anyway. Don't rush things, you've got plenty of time for boys and relationships and love. Have fun, but be careful. And don’t ever settle because you think you don’t deserve better.

I wanted to tell you that there are mean people in the world and though you can't always see them right away, trust your gut. It will guide you in the right direction.

Finally and most importantly, I wanted to tell you how wonderful it is growing up and being a part of your life as the days go by. Don't just watch, participate. Get in there, and get your hands dirty. You won't regret the things you did as much as the things you didn't.

Then I remembered you’re 4 and couldn‘t grasp all of this. So, I kissed you good night, told you how much I loved you and what a wonderful little kid you are.

And I told you to please believe me…when the time comes and you're all grown-up, fall in love, maybe get married, and have children…you will be so glad you didn't stay in Pre-K forever.